After being on vacation from work for two weeks, every coworker you run into invariably asks you how your break was. You are probably like most functional members of society and say “it was nice, thanks for asking,” but I personally grow tired of that answer after the first time I say it. So I’ve created this list of responses you can give in its place that will be entertaining to you and discourage your co-workers from ever making small talk with you again.
COWORKER: How was your break?
YOU: You obviously don’t watch To Catch A Predator
COWORKER: Nice to be back, right?
YOU: I actually got fired two weeks ago. I’m really not supposed to be here… but I’ve got some “business” to take care of…
COWORKER: What’d you do on your vacation?
YOU: Well, I finally had time to finish my erotic novel. It has a character a lot like you in it actually… and one a lot like me… and we do a thing a lot like sex.
COWORKER: Where did you go on your vacation?
YOU: Rehab. (awkward stare)
COWORKER: Did you visit any of your family while you were gone?
YOU: Nah, they’re all in Witness Protection. I’m going to find them though… if it’s the last thing I do.
COWORKER: Did you do anything fun?
YOU: If you consider it “fun” to dress up your dog like your ex-girlfriend and sob uncontrollably for two weeks straight, then YES I DID.
COWORKER: These vacations always seem too short, don’t they?
YOU: Shut up.
COWORKER: Did you have a good vacation?
YOU: If you’re this interested in my life, you’re going to LOVE my Sugar Ray cover band. I’ll put you down for six tickets to our show tonight. Oh, and if you can’t get find six people I’m going to have to charge you $18 for each ticket you don’t use. See you tonight!
COWORKER: Hey! How was your…
YOU: (fire a gun in the air)
You’re welcome, America.
1. Start working out no more than 3 separate times in the next 12 months, then ceremoniously declare 2011 a "fat year."
2. Think about drinking less, do so for a week, then celebrate with a “Scotch-a-lanche.”
3. Memorize what size pants I wear so I don’t have to call my wife at work every time I buy a new pair.
4. See a sporting event on TV and not identify the teams as the “Purple Guys” and the “Blue Shirts.”
5. Wean myself onto smoking using nicotine gum.
6. Eat less Hucksporo (a fake food I just made up.)
7. Get not even a little bit better at playing the guitar.
8. Continue my streak of never eating at an Arby’s.
9. Figure out what that humming noise in my kitchen is or just learn to live with it. Regardless of the outcome, celebrate with a “Scotch-a-lanche.”
10. Make love to a Kardashain. Preferably one of the sisters, but Bruce Jenner will get me half credit.
I’m known to wear suits while performing, and audiences are always (never) asking me why I insist upon it. Many might assume I’m abiding by the show business credo “always look better than they do,” but I am not. The reason I wear suits while on stage is that they provide me with the single most important asset a comedian can have in his metaphorical quiver: pockets.
Pockets, while giving the appearance of extravagant wealth, also provide the comedian with the essential comedy tool of instant access to hidden storage. And what could one possibly need to store while performing? Why, the 10 Critical Items of Comedy, of course. And what are the 10 Critical Items of Comedy you say? Ah yes, I forget you aren’t all the accomplished master-performer that I am. Let me explain. The 10 Critical Items of Comedy are the ten objects no professional comedian should ever step on stage without. They are as follows:
1. FAKE MUSTACHE -- LEFT INSIDE JACKET POCKET
Even if a sketch involving a mustache is not planned, the quickest way for the comedian to win over an audience is to break into their silliest voice and suddenly reveal a hidden lip wig.**
(**Hollywood slang for mustache.)
2. FAKE MUSTACHE (WHITE) – RIGHT INSIDE JACKET POCKET
The comedian must always also carry a second mustache that is white for the somewhat likely scenario they will need to impersonate character actor Sam Elliot. Amateur performers might ask if they can just carry one mustache as long as it white, to which I would respond “What are we, hill people?”
3. BIRTH CERTIFICATE – LEFT PANTS POCKET
A notarized birth certificate should be carried at all times so the comedian can prove to audiences that they did, in fact, grow up in the 90’s so their Full House/Kimmy Gibbler observations are backed by solid research.
4. THANK YOU NOTES – RIGHT PANTS POCKET
It is customary for the comedian to write each audience member a personalized thank you note after every show. Each note should be unique and include at least one compliment about the audience member’s appearance. The comedian should also insist that all audience members stay until everyone has their thank you note, as it is the courteous thing to do.
5. SNACKS – RIGHT OUTSIDE JACKET POCKET
Sometimes the comedian can be on stage for more than 10 minutes at a time. To sustain energy throughout a set, one must pack and consume at least one snack during every performance. Peanuts are preferred, but any protein-laden legume will do.
6. NINTENDO DS – LEFT OUTSIDE JACKET POCKET
Once the comedian has performed 2 or 3 times, they become what is called “jaded.” A jaded comedian is not required or expected to take the audience’s thoughts, feelings, or enjoyment into account while on stage. A jaded comedian should feel free to take a break during their set to play a little Super Mario because for them, stage time is ME time.
7. NAKED PICTURE OF JOHN RATZENBERGER – HANDKERCHIEF POCKET
The classic show business good luck charm. Hokey, I know. But why argue with decades of Hollywood superstition?
8. GUN – TUCKED INTO WAISTBAND
A fully-loaded handgun (safety on!). Rarely does the comedian need to use their pistol, but it is the quickest way to intimidate a heckler into submission and really the only way to do an authentic Yosemite Sam impression. Plus, if the show is going badly, you can always “shoot your way out.”
9. GUIDE TO CRITICAL ITEMS OF COMEDY POCKET LAY OUT – BACK RIGHT PANTS POCKET
Especially if the comedian is new and has yet to create pneumonic devices reminding them where their CIC’s are located on their person (“My WHITE mustache is in my RIGHT jacket pocket,” etc.), a guide for their pocket lay-out is encouraged. But don’t let it fall into the wrong hands -- the consequences would be catastrophic.
10. (OPTIONAL) PREPARED COMEDIC MATERIAL – BACK LEFT PANTS POCKET
This item is optional. The comedian should ONLY worry about having “skits” and “jokes” prepared if the other 9 CIC’s are firmly in place by show time. The beauty of the first 9/10 of the Critical Items of Comedy is that once you have them on your person, you can’t go wrong no matter what the scenario, whether it be a comedy show, wedding, job interview, or bris.
So there. Now you all can finally stop hounding be after shows with your FAQ’s (whatever that stands for.) And remember, as Ri
chard Pryor always said “Be Prepared.” That might be the Boy Scouts’ motto actually – I live beneath some power lines and it makes it hard to remember things sometimes. It also might be because I live beneath some power lines, which makes it hard to remember things sometimes.